Swimming Upstream

The moment I woke last Tuesday morning I knew I was in a funk. I knew it. I went down a mental checklist list of things that I was grateful for, just as I do every day¹. But as I offered thanks for those things, I knew that I was going through the motions; my thanks weren’t really heartfelt. Undaunted, I flipped back the covers, and as always, just before my feet touched the floor, mentally proclaimed “Today is going to be an awesome day.”² But I have to tell you; there were serious doubts that the day would be awesome. 

I made my way to the kitchen, took a seat in my “prayer chair”, and quite simply, asked God for help. I didn’t ask for help in a specific area, because I really didn’t know what was wrong. I don’t know about you, but there are times when I know exactly what is weighing heavily on my mind or on my heart. Then there are times when I’m burdened by something…..I can feel its weight…..but I just don’t know what it is. You ever have those days?

I don’t know why, but I want to share some of that prayer with you. I don’t know that I can recall it verbatim, but I can give you the gist of it….

Dear Lord, something is blocking the path between us. I don’t know what it is, but it is preventing me from being filled with Your Spirit. I can’t do this alone. I need Your help. I know that some tests are from the devil, while some are learning lessons from You. I ask that You give me help in overcoming this, or give me some clarity so that I may identify it and work my way through it. Please, please help me with this. I ask to be filled with the wisdom of the Father, the compassion of the Son, and the strength of the Holy Spirit.

I closed my prayer with a recital of The Lord’s Prayer, and then sat in meditation reflecting on my life, and the lives of my two cousins……

Charles and Josephine

My paternal cousin Charles died two weeks ago at the very young age of 57, the victim of a heart attack. Charles was an amazing guy….devoted husband, father, son, and family man. Great Christian. Gifted musician. Always, always, always had a kind word and a smile. What a tragedy.

His wife Josephine (my maternal cousin) has a smile and a personality that will light up any room, and a heart as soft as the day is long. Josephine and I were very, very close in high school but have drifted apart through the years….that “life gets in the way” thing, I guess.

At the visitation on Sunday evening, and then again at the funeral Monday morning, my heart was absolutely broken. I felt the sorrow of losing a cousin so full of life….a life cut far too short by an imperfect heart. The world will be short-changed by Charles’ death.

I felt Josephine’s pain as she bravely received the hundreds of mourners lined up in, around, and outside the church on Sunday evening, and again on Monday as she caught one last glimpse of Charles as they closed the lid on his coffin.

Tears pooled in my eyes as I grieved over both the loss of my cousin, and my cousin’s loss. Images and thoughts of the two of them stayed with me for the remainder of the day on Monday and occupied my thoughts as I drifted off to sleep that night.

Dad’s Advice

I believe I had been in meditation and prayer for 20 minutes or so in the kitchen Tuesday morning when my reverie was broken by the timer on the coffee pot. I went to the bedroom to awaken Jackie (she tells me that she prefers a kiss on the cheek over an alarm clock!) then went back to the kitchen to pour a cup of coffee for each of us.

Jackie walked into the kitchen, took one look at me, and asked “Are you okay?” Knowing that she can see right though me, and not even wanting to go through the hassle of hiding the truth, I flatly replied “No, not really.”

We sat there, in silence, in our own respective little worlds, sipping our coffee. My mind was on my cousin Charles, or more specifically, his life and death. I wondered if he took the time to savor the good in his life; knowing Charles, I believe that he did. I recalled some of my Dad’s “isms”: “Death comes life a thief in the night. We’re never promised tomorrow. You’ve got to live for today.” My Dad wasn’t a pessimist….he was a realist. And knowing that he wasn’t promised tomorrow, he lived each day to its fullest. I’ve always heeded his warnings, and tried to follow his lead. From his advice sprang one of my mottos, “Celebrate Today!”

What happened?

I looked up at Jackie and posed a question that is usually reserved for a joke or sarcasm….. “Are we having fun yet?” She looked at me as if I’d lost my mind, so again, in a louder, almost pleading voice, I asked “Are we having fun yet?” Never blinking or looking away, Jackie returned my look and calmly replied “I know you’re not. Why don’t you take a break?”

I thought to myself “Because I don’t know how to take a break.” It’s true. I mean, I know when it’s time to rest and relax, but when it comes to setting goals and achieving them, I’m relentless. You see, for the first 53 years of my life I always settled for less, for various reasons….either I didn’t think I was capable, good enough, smart enough, or worthy of whatever it was. Curiously enough, my fear of falling short prevented me from reaching higher. Once it sunk into my hard head that “if you don’t reach for it you’ll never grab it” I made up my mind to reach as high as I can for whatever I want.

“With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26

I believe this statement to be absolutely true. While I know that I can’t do everything, with God holding my hand I can do anything.

Several weeks ago I was having a conversation with Chris Hodges, the pastor of the Church of The Highlands here in Birmingham. I made a comment to Chris about his seemingly endless supply of energy. Without missing a beat, he looked at me and said “I want to do it all!” Later that same day I was reflecting on what Chris had said, and I had a bit of an epiphany.

I want to do it all too! I got a late start in life, and I’m driven to not only “do it all”, but to do it as best I can. I want to be the best person that I can be. I want to be successful. I want to be the co-owner of the best salon in Birmingham. I want to grow careers of young people. I want to talk to people about God whenever I can…to take The Seed of Hope wherever I can. I want to be not just a soldier of Christ, but one of His mightiest warriors….a light that shines for all to see. I want these things, all of them, and I’m willing to pay the price to make them a reality; no sacrifice is too great.

Therein lies the problem; actually, there are two problems with my “commitment”.

1. I walk/run through life with my eyes so fixed on reaching the top that I don’t enjoy the fruits of my labor. I’m grateful and appreciative for all we have and all that we’ve accomplished, but I don’t take the time to savor the moment…any moment. And I don’t think that I take the time to really be appreciative of what God has done for me.
2. When I try do to everything by myself (which is all the time) I may be preventing God from doing even more for me, and I’m putting a ton of added pressure on myself. I’ve been “swimming upstream”, trying to make things happen, instead of doing the best I can do, then letting God take me where He wants me to go.

I’m always urging people to “ask God, tell God, and then get out of His way and watch Him work.” Tuesday morning I asked God to give me some clarity; less than an hour later He had done exactly that! I guess that should practice more of what I preach, huh?

See you next Monday!

sam@theseedofhope.com

¹An Attitude of Gratitude. 3/23/2009

²…about being Awesome  12/1/2008