When Fear Becomes Reality
When I first got the idea for The Seed of Hope, there was one thought that frightened me the most. Care to take a guess as to what it was? No, I wasn’t afraid to share my deepest thoughts. I had no problem opening my heart to others, admitting my fears and weaknesses, and being as transparent as a piece of glass. And I’m certainly not timid when it comes to professing my love for God, and what He has done in my life.
My biggest fear, my only fear, was that the day might come when I would run out of words to share with you. One morning, a few days prior to that first post on October 31, 2008, I was sitting in my prayer chair having a conversation with God. I have to add something here, a point of clarification regarding my “conversations” with God, which are actually prayers that I offer up to Him. I’d love to tell you that we have two-way conversations, but when He talks back, it’s usually through gentle nudges in the right direction, or through the gift of discernment (a topic for another day).
So during this conversation I said “God, in a couple of days I’m gonna launch The Seed of Hope, because I believe this is something that You want me to do. And I’m committed to doing this every week. Every week! I don’t know the Bible. I’m no theologian. I don’t know that I have enough in me to share something of value every week, but I’m gonna do this until the words run out, or until this fire that burns in my heart to spread Your word goes out. I pray that You will provide me with enough to share with others for a long time.”
That was just over six months ago, and each week since, God has given me a thought or thoughts to pass along to you. Until today.
It’s more than words.
Today was different. Oh, I still have a list of topics and ideas “on hold” that would carry The Seed for at least another six months, so that’s not the problem.
This week I started working on a post titled The Art of Saying Hello, which was to be today’s post. At this very moment, it remains unfinished. It will be completed, and it will be shared, but not on this day.
Today I learned that along with the words and the burning desire to keep this site going, I’ve got to have the spirit to write. Perhaps I should say that I’ve got to be in the spirit to write. And it’s just not there. The desire to write is, or I wouldn’t be sitting in front of this laptop. What happened?
The last few weeks have been very tough for me. Jackie’s Mom has had some health issues, which in turn has affected Jackie, which in turn has affected me. There have been challenges in the salon. I’ve had some personal issues that have been with me for quite a while that I needed to work through. There’s been no time to “unplug." Then there is....Look, I’m not gonna ask you to join me on my pitty-pot. I’m sure that my issues pale in comparison to what some of you may be going through. I’m very mindful of this. And I'm grateful that my problems aren't unsurmountable. But you take a lot of not-so-large problems and lump them together, and well, they become one huge obstacle.
Here’s the thing: I cannot in good conscience portray myself to you as something that I’m not. When I write, it’s about what is on my heart, and what is in my mind. At this moment, my heart hurts and my mind is weary, so my message to you today may not be as inspiring or uplifting as you might like to read. I don’t apologize for that. Like I’ve always told you, I’m just a guy with a message. Nothing more. Nothing less. God has blessed me in many ways. And He still gives me lessons in life to learn from.
It’s getting late, and I want to go to bed, but I believe that there is something else to be learned tonight…perhaps something for me, or for you, or for both of us. I’ll push on.
HE is here.
Right now, at this very moment, Christ is with me. I can feel His presence. And He will give me everything that I need to get through this…He always has…even when I didn’t know it. He always will…I know it.
There is one HUGE difference in my life today compared to the way it was just a few years ago….
A few years ago I would have wallowed around in a mild state of depression and resentment for several days, if not weeks. I would have just waited for things to get better, for the dark clouds to clear up. That was then…
I was talking to a group of salon owners last week, and I told them that for the first 53 years of my life I was without hope. I realize now that the biggest problem during those 53 years is that I was walking without God. It is from being in God’s presence each day that I draw strength, wisdom, compassion, love, and yes, HOPE for tomorrow.
Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow morning I will give thanks to God for giving me another day. I will thank Him for today, even though it was a tough one, because today I learned a little bit more about myself, and a little bit more about God. And as always, just before my feet touch the floor I will proclaim “Today is going to be an awesome day!”
You know what? I believe that He’s going to give me an awesome day; He’s that kind of God!
I’ll see you next Monday!